Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
I’d like us all to participate in a moment to appreciate Thanksgiving Break 2013. Thank you, Thanksgiving Break, for giving me an entire week of being in my own house for the first time in three months. I will forever cherish the feeling of not having to wear shower shoes, and of course, crapping in my own damn toilet. I also remembered that I had a mother, which was cool. I forgot that I have someone to take care of me, do laundry, and keep things clean. Being able to take anything from the fridge without fear of it being moldy/spoiled/half-alive has reminded me of how thankful I am for her existence.
Actually, the best part of break was definitely spending time with my mom. We became closer in a week than we had been all summer. Don’t get me wrong—I love her, but we’ve had a tough relationship in the past. This is mostly because she’s batshit crazy. Additionally, my friends have admitted that they like her more than they like me. You wouldn’t be able to tell by her petite stature and jolly expression, but she’s blunt, over-the-top, occasionally a bit crass, and foreign-tastic. I recently came to accept the fact that she’s never going to stop being insane. Because of this, we’ve been able to bond like never before.
I’m going to assume that you’re intrigued by this description of the woman that birthed me. So hey y’all, meet my mother.
Real Conversations with My Mother, Darshna Shah, That Took Place Within the Past Week
1. On my birth:
Rima: So mom, what was the most important moment of your life?
Darshna: When you were born, of course!
R: What time was I born, exactly?
D: Um, I don’t know. Eight or nine in the morning. Or at night. It was definitely a Saturday, though.
R: Seriously?
D: Hey, at least you were born at some point.
R: What was my first word?
D: Probably “Dada” or “Mom” or something. You farted a lot as a baby.
R: Alright.
2. On marriage:
R: Hey mom, why’d you get married?
D: Everyone else was doing it, so I was like, why the hell not?
R: Oh.
D: Ya want pancakes?
3. On venturing out of the north suburbs:
R: Hey, let’s go to the Urban Outfitters outlet!
D: Where is it?
R: Lincoln Park.
D: Oh no, Chicago? We’ll get mugged!!!
4. On justifying her actions:
R: Hey, maybe we shouldn’t park in the handicap spot.
D: It’s fine, we’re not going to be here for that long.
(She leaves the car and enters Chipotle, returning a few minutes later. She starts to pull out of the parking lot, when she notices a woman in a car glaring at her, shaking her head. She pulls up to this car and rolls down her window.)
D: Fuck you, it was an emergency!
(As horror spreads across this woman’s face, my mother gives her the finger. Then, we drive away.)
R: Wait, that totally wasn’t an emergency though.
D: Haha.
So yeah, that’s my mother in a nutshell. The only thing I can say is that I’m eternally grateful.